


Through The Looking Glass (I See Who I Want To Be)

by ReapersAngel



Category: NCIS
Genre: (Born Leora Jethra Gibbs), (I think I just made up a word), (and not English), AFAB Jethro Gibbs, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And it was more mental violence, And love Gibbs, And really care for him, And sleepover, And they all accept him, Bisexual Abby Sciuto, Case-Related Homophobia, Case-Related Queerphobia, Case-Related Transphobia, Derogatory Language, Disclaimer: Credits to NCIS, Even though all those tags are bad, FTM Jethro Gibbs, For reasons you can infer from the above tags, Gibbs the Coffee Addict, Gibbs' Rules, His parents were horrible at naming, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Honestly shouldn't they have more Archive Warnings about this stuff or something, I don't care about what names Gibbs had, I promise, Implied Military Homophobia, Implied Military Transphobia, It Gets Better, Language, Marines, Military, Pansexual Anthony DiNozzo, Queerphobia, Rated Mature, Rule Nine Thank God Gibbs, Slurs, So even though this is traumatizing, The only one that applied was 'Graphic Depictions of Violence', They go all soft on Gibbs, They'll help him through it, They're really sweet, Timeline What Timeline, Timelines, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transgender Jethro Gibbs, Transphobia, Triggers, binders, binding, the puppy pile, transphobic language, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25559299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReapersAngel/pseuds/ReapersAngel
Summary: Leroy Jethro Gibbs was not always Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Once, he was Leora Jethra Gibbs in a cruel world that didn't understand him. Now, he has a family that he chose for himself, but he gets outed in the worst way possible. They're there for him all the way, though, and will always be.Aka my trans Gibbs fic(Being honest most of those bad-looking tabs was just me finding too many tags that applied to just a part of the fic. Didn't want anyone to not know what they were going into though;;;;;)
Relationships: (It's all platonic and familial though), Gibbs' Team, The Gibbs Team - Relationship, The MCRT Team, The NCIS Team
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Through The Looking Glass (I See Who I Want To Be)

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking with a friend and we were discussing coming out and that inspired me to write this. The timeline is really, really played around with, since I didn't know if I wanted Kate or Ziva (I haven't actually reached season eleven and Ellie) (I did choose Kate, though), and DADT was repealed in 2011. Gibbs joined when he was eighteen, so obviously, please ignore the timeline and historical inaccuracies.

There were a lot of things people didn’t know about Special Agent Gibbs. What they did know about him didn’t amount to much.

For one, most people knew that Gibbs kept his front door unlocked. However, despite that fact, he didn’t allow people to drop by unannounced willy-nilly. If you wanted to visit, you called first, and if it was an emergency, you better be hauling your ass over and have a damn good reason.

Second, he was a bastard. Right there in his name, Leroy Jethro Second-B-For-Bastard Gibbs. He was grouchy and a beast in Interrogation and didn’t operate without coffee. At best, he ignored you or nodded; at worst, well, you didn’t want to know what that was.

There was more knowledge scattered about NCIS about Gibbs. Some of it was real, some rumor, some pure fiction, like the story that Gibbs had taken down a bear with his bare hands. His SFA, Tony DiNozzo, would laugh at that pun.

What no one knew was that Leroy Jethro Gibbs was born Leora Jethra Gibbs. Before he joined the Marines he went and legally changed his name. Most people assumed his parents just had a really bad taste in names (they did), but really, Gibbs didn’t want such a different name that he wouldn't respond to it. A few years before he joined the Marines, he had started binding.

During his time in the Marines and with NCIS he learned to change subtle things - how he walked, how he stood, how he talked. Even the more noticeable unsubtle things - he developed a habit of being physical and intimidating. What most people mistook for hostility or judgement was Gibbs summing them up, trying to decide if they were safe.

He used the bastard façade as a mask as well. Where most people thought he didn’t care, he did, and often, it was a lot or too much. Where most people thought he didn’t believe in something, he put his heart into it.

There were a lot of things he covered up.

People would swear on their life and up and down and side to side that Gibbs was a man - for that matter, they would swear that whatever he said or did, it was true. The sane knew not to cross him, and the insane knew it too.

Unless, of course, you were his team.

Which, of course, they still knew not to push Gibbs on his worst days, but they also knew where his boundaries were. He enjoyed Abby’s hugs, Ducky’s stories, McGee’s techie-talk, Tony’s quips, Kate’s banter, even Palmer’s horribly-timed jokes. On the rare occasions they had time, he even enjoyed the team dinners.

And while his team might be able to see deeper, they couldn’t guess he was trans. Even when DADT was repealed, the habits of hiding didn’t just go away. Binders only went off when he was home and alone, dark clothes were worn when that time of the month circled around, and for all purposes, he was celibate sexually. While Shannon had known and accepted him wholly and they had adopted Kelly, none of his exs or other lovers had known. Besides bad communication and feeling like they were being ripped off, a sexless marriage was probably a good reason why he had three divorces.

Though, being trans didn’t affect his life as an agent much. He may have had to train more and sometimes compete with Directors, but there were also certain things he wouldn’t necessarily call “perks”. When NCIS had launched their we-accept-everyone campaign, they had stated a list of queer people and people of colour. While some people were out, some, like Gibbs, weren’t, and were listed as anonymous. It also seemed like some in the line of Directors decided that since Gibbs was trans, it was a good idea to stick him with queer agents. Whatever they had been thinking, they were just as much as a part of the revolving door of agents as the straight and/or cis ones were. When he proposed taking Tony onto his team, the Director nearly fell over saying yes.

As it happened, none of the people the Directors had chosen had really stuck. As far as McGee, Ducky, Palmer, and Kate went, he didn’t know, except for despite Kate's religion, she accepted those who were different and made an effort to understand them. Tony was pan, he knew, and Abby was bi. Tony wasn’t necessarily closed-off about it, flaunting his sexual conquests despite gender. They hadn’t seemed to be more than one-night stands. Abby wasn’t as open, but she did manage to tell the whole team eventually. When she had come out to him, he hugged her and stayed with her while she got emotional and confessed that he was the first one she went to. As soon as she said that, he felt warm and proud inside that he was the first one she trusted to out herself to, even if he couldn’t do the same. It wasn’t a matter of trust though, and it never had been.

He didn’t plan to be closeted forever, but he didn’t want to come out immediately either. He should’ve known he would never get what he wanted though.

Some considerable time after Abby had come out to the team, they were investigating a case where a serial killer was picking up queers and torturing them, then dumping the bodies behind places queers frequented. Their theory was that whoever it was was trying to reform and convert queers, and left the bodies as warnings. As much as Gibbs had wanted to keep Tony and Abby out of it, and, hell, the rest of the team too, that wasn't an option.

Especially once the serial killer had decided he was a target and abducted him.

He didn’t know how much time had passed between his abduction and his rescue, but apparently it was enough for the killer to put him in a dress and wig without his binder and preach how it was wrong and a defilement. Luckily, Rule Nine saved him and he got out of the manacles and had the killer down with his knife to his throat and the killer’s gun in his hand. Unluckily, as soon as that happened, his team burst into the abandoned warehouse he guessed they were in shouting that they were federal agents. Gibbs had resisted the urge to roll his eyes before the inevitable wave of oh god no, they’ll see panic set in. His agent instincts kicked in, warring with the panic, which he consciously condensed and threw into his mental trash can. He jabbed the gun into the killer’s face. “You’ll pay for this,” He hissed.

“Abomination!” The killer screamed. “Fag! Demon! Monster! Atrocity! Cursed! Evil! Disgrace! Bitch! Whore! Slut!”

Gibbs was almost surprised that the killer managed to scream that many insults before his team found him. Even though he had long learned to shrug off the insults, they still found some place inside of him. He knew Tony had taken over temporarily in his place, and that he was hearing this. For that sole reason, he was tempted to shoot the killer right then and there. He would have, had Tony himself not eased the gun and knife in his hands away. McGee and Kate had theirs pointed at the killer and handcuffed them while Tony led Gibbs away, taking the wig off and draping his suit jacket over Gibbs’ shoulders. He suddenly felt bare and vulnerable.

Tony led Gibbs to one of the issued cars, pulling out a pair of sweatpants, his USMC hoodie, and one of his binders. Tony scratched his head and turned away as Gibbs changed. “Sorry, Boss, I know you didn’t want your privacy invaded, but we had to go to your house and I figured I’d get you a change of clothes just in case, and that’s when I found out-”

Gibbs headslapped Tony, who yelped and stopped his rambling. “Shut up, DiNozzo,” He said gruffly. He managed a weak, tiny smile though, which Tony visibly relaxed at, relieved, and simultaneously brightened.

“You’re welcome, Boss,” He said cheerfully, getting the unsaid gratitude that passed between them.

“Gibbs!” Kate said, running towards them as McGee jogged to keep up. He would’ve sent them back to watch the suspect, but given this particular situation, he let the local LEOs handle it. “Are you all right? I think Ducky should check you out.”

Both Tony and Kate seemed to be unfazed by their new discovery, or they just hid it well. McGee seemed to be fitting this new piece of information into his worldview, but didn’t seem to have a problem with this. He knew Ducky would take it in stride with some curious medical questions, and would take care of Palmer. Abby would probably squeal when she found out, then scold him about getting abducted, then hug him until she broke his ribs and suffocated him.

“I’m fine,” He said. At his team’s skeptical looks - they knew him too well - he added, “It was more of a psychological torture. We’ll have to question the killer to determine if this was a switch in method or just a one-time thing.”

They sighed and nodded, and Kate hugged him briefly before taking off with McGee, who looked like he didn’t know if he would be slaughtered if he also hugged Gibbs. Tony patted his shoulder, then talked cheerily while subtly steering him towards Ducky. Once Gibbs realized what he was doing, it was too late. He still dug his heels in and protested, though.

Ducky looked him over while he complained, telling a story about his time in Africa. He had some bruises and a few minor abrasions, nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a few bandages.

Tony took him back to the car and they drove to NCIS. He could see a lot of people give him odd looks for his casual clothing, but not for anything else. When the doors dinged open at the squadroom Abby barreled into him. “Gibbs!” She cried out, squeezing him, “I’m so glad we found you!”

“Thanks, Abs,” He said wryly. Abby stepped a half-step away, but basically clung to him until he sat down at his desk, where she wrapped her arms around him. Tony hovered by his desk, chattering about some movie until Kate and McGee arrived with coffee. Gibbs practically held out his hands like a child begging to be picked up and downed his coffee as fast as he humanely could. McGee handed him a second cup, which he took with a quiet “Thanks”. He drank it slower, closing his eyes in bliss and leaning back in his chair, missing the startled and concerned looks Abby, Tony, Kate, and McGee shared.

“Ah, Jethro!” Ducky said as he got out of the elevator, Palmer following him. Gibbs opened his eyes. “It’s good to see you here again!”

“Yeah, Duck,” He replied, taking another sip of coffee. He could feel the way it warmed him from the inside out. He eyed the rest of the team. “I suppose you all want an explanation, huh.”

“Not at all, Boss!” Tony said, obviously going for a reassuring smile but coming off as worried. “Whenever you’re ready is fine.”

The unsaid even though you were forced into this passed between all of them.

“Well,” Gibbs said, making a shooing motion with his free hand, “If it’s all the same to you, go home. Get some rest. We’ll handle Interrogation and reports tomorrow, and I’ll explain at dinner too.”

“Team dinner!” Abby squealed. They all started packing up, Kate and Abby hugging him before going out, McGee and Ducky giving him pats on the shoulder, and Palmer giving him a few uplifting words before leaving with them. Tony hung around for longer, until Gibbs glared at him.

“Hey, Boss, it’s not me,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender, “They made me promise to drive you home, I swear!”

Gibbs scowled but let Tony accompany him to the parking garage and drive him home. When they got to his house, he felt a mix of exasperation and warmth in his heart - mostly warmth - as he found his whole team, Ducky, Palmer, and Abby included, camped out on his floor. Well, they had obviously gotten Ducky one of the thicker floor mattresses, and Palmer was curled under a blanket, but the rest of his team was curled in a puppy pile on the floor. They were shooting matching puppy eyes at him, blatantly trying to get him to join. He sighed, then went and locked his door. After all, he had something to protect this time.

When he came back, the Abby-Kate-McGee puppy pile had accepted Tony into their fold, adding another pair of pleading eyes to the mix. He sighed again. “Let me wash up first,” He promised. His team seemed to find this an acceptable compromise.

He showered and brushed his teeth and took his binder off and instead put on one of the tank tops with support under his hoodie. He splashed water on his face, gripping the sides of the sink as he looked at himself in the mirror. Despite everything that had happened, he looked relaxed, comfortable even, despite looking like years had passed. He attributed the soft look on his face to his team, and headed back out to join them.

The Puppy Pile, as he had so dubbed them in his mind in the short time he had left them, gleefully pulled him down with them, curling around him in a mass of human, blanket, and pillow. One by one, they all eventually fell asleep. Tony and Abby were the last to abstain from sleep, two pairs of green eyes sleepily blinking at him until they closed, as if making sure he wasn’t an illusion. He smiled, and closed his own eyes with the reassuring presence and warmth of his team around him.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
